21 yrs old
in college
socially awkward? yes
don't have many friends? yep thats me
live in the south
love music
I was always told that I was pretty. I never really believed it until around highschool when I started getting attention from boys. I have social anxiety hence the thought of flirting, being alone, kissing, and yes sex freaked me the fuck out therefore boyfriend? nope never had one...Alcohol is possibly the best thing in the world. When I'm drunk I feel like I can completely be myself so the only time I have ever kissed/ "hooked up" w/ a guy (excluding sex yep i'm a 21 yr old virgin and i'm pretty fucking proud of it even though I know if it wasn't for my anxiety that would not be the case) has been under the influence.
So I sit and look at my friends with their boyfriends and random couples on the street and wonder why not me? why can't I have that? and when a guy is interested in me i find a way to push him away because deep down I don't feel like I'm good enough. I always feel more confident when I'm smaller but then something triggers me and I binge and gain weight but not anymore I am going to lose weight and commit to a healthy lifestyle so I can become the person I want to be.. I'm not obsessed with being skinny I'm obsessed with the way it makes me feel. The only times in my life when I truly felt happy and like I could do anything and had the confidence to do anything was when I was at my lowest weight.
I have always been so self conscious about how I look and what I say that I don't even know who I am anymore. Maybe I never did. I change who I am to fit the people I'm around. I'm tired of holding back because of the fear that people won't like me. I'm going to start to try to figure out who I am, what I want to be, who I don't want to be, and the kinds of people I need in my life. Because I'm tired of going through life on auto pilot. I feel like a robot going through the motions and not really experience/ feeling any of it. My hope is that this blog will help me express myself and figure out exactly who i am.
This blog is my struggle/ journey to lose weight so that I can become the girl I want to be. The girl who can walk into a room not knowing a single soul in there and walk out with friends, the girl who can be vulnerable enough to have a relationship, the girl who looks in the mirror and doesn't cringe at who she sees looking back at her. I want to be her. I need to be her. I need to live my life
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